Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Owning up

Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I have something to confess. This blog thing is very difficult for me. In some ways it feels like a popularity contest, like trying to wrest a spot in the "cool" group. I was never very good at that sort of thing. I'm not gorgeous, thin, hilarious, witty or fashionable. I'm simply me.
I'm a mom. I think the boy in this picture is one of the most handsome boys on this planet. I'm a sister. Sometimes I'm not very good at it. I'm a wife. Sometimes I'm not very good at that either. And under everything, I'm just a girl. I want to be liked, appreciated, accepted for who I am warts and all. (and yes, I do have warts)
At times I feel so awkward. And weird (my husband will tell you I'm definitely weird). But, I feel compelled to carry on.
To push myself through this strange phase of exposing who I am and what I'm doing to the rest of the world.
To find within myself the seeds of acceptance. And to grow that small seed into a vibrant living confidence that can withstand outside forces.
Honestly, I'm not all that sure how the two things, blogging and my lack of confidence are connected. Except that, through one- I am learning about the other.
Blogging, well, not really blogging, but caring about who's reading my blogging, has forced me to confront my fears about rejection, and the insecurities I've been harboring since I was a young teenager. I do a pretty good job at hiding my fears, on the outside I appear pretty sure of myself. What I'd really like to do, is to make what I appear to be, what I really am.
So, I'd love for you to follow me, to say, with the click of a mouse, "you're okay, you're worth something." But, please don't mind if I spend some time figuring out how to say that to myself.

11 comments:

Amy @ Increasingly Domestic said...

I feel exactly the same way! Some days I have to remind myself that this is just something I do for fun. All I can do is shares bits of who I am, be true to my "voice" and have fun!

Just so you know, I like you! You have a radtastic name and I am really enjoying your posts. Oh, and that boy is pretty darn cute;)

Karen said...

I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing you are.

Be fearless, my friend.

Be fearless.

Swensgirl said...

Your amazing and a awesome person! I love you! xoxo

Märta said...

You Are amazing and fabulous! I am grateful to know of these same stirrings, and to realize that we are are all "weird" in our own way! I have long believed that we each struggle with the same issues, and we close the doors and hide behind the facade of our home, hurting, struggling, wrestling with the same problems. I love the Visiting Teaching program which helps me open my front door to realize that others feel the same things I do! In recent years, those front doors have become more transparent as some amazing people like you have opened your hearts to share via the blog sphere! Thanks for sharing, lifting, blessing the lives of others - Mine - in so many ways! I appreciate your voice in my life! Love you darling girl!

Marta

Crafty Girls said...

I believe you just summed up what every gal in blogland feels. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone! I love your blog & you're doing great, so keep it up!

Brande J. said...

Amy, you know I love you! Of course "you are okay, and worth something"! I love reading your blog and your creativity...and visiting you in your home. I look forward to it every month :) Keep it up because you are doing a great job!

Samantha said...

Can I just ditto exactly what Crafty Girls said? For my part, I am going to do a better job at commenting on your blog! I was following in my reader, but I just hit google friend contact so you will know for sure I'm there and reading :-)

Theresa said...

I am guilty of lurking far more than commenting, but just had to say something when you're brave enough and open enough to post like you did. Your blog is a delight,your talent is almost intimidating, and definitely inspiring, and the pieces of yourself that you share make me like you and want to know you more. Like Karen said, "be fearless". This blog, like your life is your journey. That you are gracious enough to invite us all in is amazing. To heck with anyone's approval..just enjoy the ride.

Andi @ Jane of all crafts said...

I could have written this myself! Thanks for being so open. I think the most honest thing is to be true to who you are. I am a people pleaser and peacemaker by nature so I also battle with wanting to be liked and accepted. And I too am not and never was the "cool" kid. But thank goodness we can now measure our success in life by more then whether or not the most popular girl in school invited us to her party! And btw I think you are way cool!! :-)

Gwen @ Gwenny Penny said...

Well, you know I love you and think you're fabulous:) I have struggled with wanting to be accepted and liked since I was a kid, and I wonder if you ever completely get over it. There's a Rascal Flatts song that says "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change." I always think of that when I am in my hometown with my family and my friends that I grew up with. They expect me to be the person I was so many years ago, and I have a hard time being myself (who I have become) when I'm there because of that. That's why I'm glad I live four hours away. I think blogging is good for me because people reading my blog don't have any background to judge me on. They don't have any preconceived notions. I am who I am.

You are incredible, your blog is incredible, you have lots of people who read your blog and think you're incredible. That's who your readers like... YOU!

Van Cott Family said...

You are not alone! I would dare say even seemingly pretty, skinny, popular girls have similar thoughts deep inside. We are just all in this together!

I do like your blog! and think you are a talented person.
--Julie

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